soo i am finally going to blog.

i am such a slacker with this poor blog of mine! i barely take time anymore to write, and i really do enjoy writing- and reading others blogs...but i just haven't been able to get myself to do it lately.

to be honest, i haven't been able to get myself to do much of anything lately. this week i've just been feeling like i had nothing left to give...i was a car running on empty. there was just nothing there. i felt void in everything i was doing- like i was lacking the extra oomph to make my responsibilities really count. i realized i wasn't doing anything in love. i was just doing.

so then after a semi-freak out in prayer the other night, i realized it's okay to be empty. in prayer i kept feeling so alone, so empty. and so i kept asking mary, "where are you??" and the instant i let myself be, i saw her. i knew she was telling me that she was there. and that was all i needed. then i kept thinking about the nativity, and all of the shepards who came to see the birth of Jesus. my discipler explained to me that i probably was thinking about the shepards because i was like the shepard that day. i had nothing to give, nothing to bring, yet i still came to prayer, i still came to see Jesus. Jesus wants us even when we have nothing - he wants us to bring out nothingness. how beautiful is that? how blessed are we? our Father is SO good. He loves us so much.

then yesterday i had a wonderfully-prayer filled day. it's so funny, because last year at this time -- praying for an hour once or twice a week was difficult for me. holy cow did it seem like a long time to sit in the chapel! and yesterday has just shown me how much i love to pray now. i make it a point to go to the chapel everyday - and because i want to. that is such a strange feeling for me. a strange feeling that i think i could get used to. :)

well, anyways, yesterday i was able to pray. a LOT. it was so wonderful. i was even able to go to a religious community not too far from here and pray with some very holy brothers/monks/priests! it was such an incredible experience. the chapel we were in was so simple, and empty-ish, yet humbling. because it brought me back to the realization that we don't need all of the extra stuff. Jesus is the main attraction there, so we should be content. (Mary was there too of course!) but i could have sat in that chapel for hours. i love it. adored it.

& after i got home, i was sure that i would be far too tired, far too distracted to study. but no! my focus was better than ever. it was as though suddenly 4 extra hours had been added to my day. i got all of my work done, and even had time for some amazing phone conversations with my friends. it's really true that when you spend time with God, he multiples that time abundantly. :)

it was just the filling up i needed, and now i am able to give again.

After all,
"It is better to give than to receive." Acts 20:35

but, when it comes down to it - we all need to realize when we are running on empty and need to receive. because if we don't allow ourselves to receive -- we simply have nothing to give. :)

Happy Friday everyone. :)